May I Rant?


Golly, I can hardly wait.  The countdown to the countdown of the big day has passed and now we’re into the countdown itself.  No, not to greedfest 2011 or as retail marketing people call it, Christmas.  The really big day is December 27, when Donald Trump will moderate the hugely (what else would one expect) important republican presidential debate.   To quote a famous fake American, Gunther Tooty, “ooh, ooh, ooh”!  We can all kick back and bathe in the tsunami of bombast sure to flow from that gaudy spectacle.  I guess the topic will be “Who’s the most awesome human ever to walk the face of the earth?”.   Stay tuned as the Donald and Newt vie for the title.  Yeah, Mr. Trump’s supposed to be the moderator but does anyone think for a moment he could resist such an opportunity to showcase his ego?   No way is he gonna let Newt’s big head upstage his.

Aside from the opportunity for Trump and Newt to display their incandescent self regard, this will be another chance for the republican party to degrade itself even further than it already has.  It seems as if that’s the whole point for them these days.   How low can the GOP go?  Here’s a suggestion.  Mud wrestling.  The republican candidates could have a mud wrestling match.  Trump’s beauty pageant bunnies could parade around holding numbers for each round as the WWE ladies do.  Put ‘em in bikinis and have a wardrobe malfunction or two so the audience could get a tantalizing glimpse of their nips, just to up the excitement level of an already salivating public and media.  Why not go the full monty and put the candidates in skimpy outfits as well?  Newt in a thong.  Rick Perry in a too-small singlet.  Ooh, ooh, that would be a real extravaganza, no?

Wait.  What’s that sound I hear?  Why it’s Gerald Ford and Bob Dole rolling over in their graves.  Yeah, I know, technically Bob Dole’s not dead yet but, close enough.  And he’s no doubt in the last throes of mortification over what has become of his former party .

My thought is, it’s a conspiracy.  The republican party has some evil Strangelovian character behind the scenes pulling the strings.  (The Koch brothers?  Vladimir Putin?  Bill Gates?  Who knows?)  Whoever it is his plan is obviously to bring down the United States.  Over the years the mystery megalomaniac has managed to install a bunch of witless ninnies and political whores in positions of power who are too stupid and/or corrupt to know or care that they are killing the host organism, our democracy.

Who do ya s’pose the unindicted co-conspirators might be?  Obviously the corrupt Supreme Court has a hand in it.  They’re the ones who made it the law of the land that corporations are people, thus allowing the putative person/companies to purchase elections no matter how high the price.  I don’t think that’s what JFK meant when he said we would “bear any burden, pay any price” for freedom.  Let’s see now, who was it that appointed Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Kennedy and Anthony, AKA “Fat Tony” Scalia?  Why they were all appointed by republican presidents, obviously the tools this unknown master plotter used to “fix” it so that, for decades to come we will be held in thrall to the corrupting influence of money in politics.

And famed black prince and evildoer front man, Frank Luntz, is the unknown puppetmaster’s mouthpiece who feeds his political goons sound bites they pass off as ideas but which are nothing more than treason with a high-fructose corn syrup coating.  Yeah, Frank, we know ya sleep in a coffin filled with your native soil.  You obviously haven’t seen the light of day since another bloodsucker put his fangs n your throat.  Begone, dark one, before I mail ya some garlic.

I’m serious, the republican party is obviously trying to bring down the United States in order to accomplish their stated main goal–bringing down president Obama.  There’s “vision” for ya.

Why do I think it’s only the republicans who are doing it?  Well jeez, the dems are such weenies they wouldn’t have the organizational skills–or guts–to overthrow anything.  At the first sign of trouble they’d pee their pants and run hide under their beds.

Think I’m exaggerating about how little our government thinks of us?  Has anyone heard about how Dover AFB was disposing of our soldiers killed in combat?  The remains of our fallen heroes were thrown into the landfill with the trash.  The few, the proud, the disposable.  Jeez, why not just flush the ashes down the commode?  That’d save the lazy bastards who are supposed to be taking care of the remains of our fallen soldiers from even having to get off their sorry butts and walk to the dumpster.

And as if things aren’t grim enough, what’s Bill Gates getting for Christmas?  A nuclear reactor.  He’s building it in partnership with–you guessed it–China.  Yeah, what could go wrong there?  So much for tidings of comfort and joy.  The best to be hoped for is that, in a rare moment of honesty congress does away with its Sergeant at Arms and installs a carnival barker instead.  “Come one, come all!  See the amazing gutless wonders.  They walk, they talk, they crawl on their bellies!”

Yep, we’re lucky to have our freedoms.  Seriously.  Because if they could figure out how to securitize it, Wall Street bankers would be selling it as unregistered, unregulated derivatives after paying off congress with a chicken dinner to pass the necessary legislation permitting it.

And Stephen Colbert, or maybe it was Jon Stewart, after showing a video clip of some female singer bending over for Justin Bieber pointed out that, whatever one thinks is the reason for the season, it’s pretty certain that it’s not represented by this woman in a half-Santa suit, presenting her butt to (teenager) Justin Bieber like a sex crazed bonobo.  Words of wisdom indeed.

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