Last night we all witnessed a genuine miracle on TV. The normally-hapless Miami Dolphins outplayed the New England Patriots from start to finish in Miami.
In South Florida we are used to our professional sports teams letting us down. We natives accept that with resignation and stoicism.
Never forget for a moment that I was born in “Corruption County” (as it was dubbed by Time Magazine). Corruption isn’t a way of life here, it’s an art form, possibly even a science. (At one point an entire quorum of county commissioners were convicted of felonies and removed from their posts to various forms of court ordered supervision.) And further south Miami Dade elected officials regularly are sent to lockup for their various infractions of the law.
I mention this to put perspective on the relatively less dire fact that our often under-performing sports teams are the least of the state’s underperformers. Still, they do disappoint on a regular basis.
Dolphins fans are among the unsung, comparable to those who perennially root for the Chicago Cubs in baseball. They expect their hopes to be dashed annually but remain faithful anyway. That is how the universe works.
So imagine my unease at the clear evidence that the end times are near which played out last night on TV. Supposedly, when the end times are imminent, implausible events, supernatural events, begin happening. People will supposedly start floating up into the sky. Etc.
I saw it with my own eyes. A young man named Mr. Xavien Howard floated up into the sky and was handed the Tom-Brady-thrown football by some supernatural being. The Miami Dolphins implausibly beat the New England Patriots (which team, BTW, native Floridians are required to hate because of the omnipresent carpetbagger issue) like a Mississippi mule last night.
The often-bumbling Dolphins not only out-scored the Patriots, they played a sublime game. Magical interceptions left the nation’s collective jaws hanging agape. How in the hell Xavien Howard stole that second intercepted pass from the hands of Brandin Cook in the third quarter defies all laws of Newtonian physics. Yeah, Mr. Howard went all quantum physics on us last night. Sublime.
Similarly scintillating offensive pass receptions, some snatched from the very hands of Patriots defenders, seemed to defy reality. How did those Dolphins receivers pull those off anyway?
The Dolphins didn’t just beat the Patriots, they often seemed to be on the field alone, so feeble was New England’s defense and offense. Offensive passes went to receivers with Patriots’ defensive team(s) appearing to be moving in slow motion.
Of course there could be an alternative explanation. Obeah. Gris gris. Santeria. Novenas. The deeply religiously faithful of Miami Dade may simply have called on their gods to act collectively to give the poor long-suffering Dolphins a lift. Or perhaps they wanted divine intervention because of wagering considerations. What the hell were the odds on the outcome of last night’s game, BTW?
Whatever, my advice is get right with your God immediately. The end times are nigh. The Miami Dolphins beat the new England Patriots 27 – 20 on 12/11/17. And they shut down those infidels by denying them a single third down conversion. Don’t tell me divine intervention wasn’t involved. Don’t tell me it wasn’t a sign.