Category Archives: What would Jesus say?

What Would Jesus Think of Watching Golf on TV?


I was watching the US Open golf tournament this afternoon.  It was
too rainy and stormy to go outside and I’ve already seen all the reruns of CSI
Miami–the only remotely interesting program on the 90 or so available viewing channels.

Now, I can understand people playing golf–we’re a nutty species after all.
The oddest things entertain us.  But watching somebody else play golf?
Sorry but you lose me there.

So I started wondering–what would Jesus think about that questionable
pastime.  It would be sacrilegious to pretend to know what a divinity thinks, but here’s a hypothesis anyway.

Maybe His opinion would go something like this.

“I allowed myself to be tortured to death in the most gruesome way–all to
save your sorry ass souls. You’re supposed to thank me one day a week.  One damn day!  Is that asking too much?  And this is what I get?  Millions of you, glued to some inanimate rectangular object, staring intently at a handful of guys hitting a tiny ball with sticks?

“D’you realize life is finite?  Clock’s tickin’ people.  Y’know I’m comin’ back with an army one of these days don’t ya?  And I’m not gonna be in a good mood.  Just sayin’ ”

Has Your Bank or Credit Card Company Done This to You?


Now I would never suggest that banks or credit card companies would ever
do anything unethical or illegal just for a few bucks. We all know they are
way above deserving of opprobrium, right? Ahem, I said–Right?  RIGHT?
I can’t hear you.

Well, anyway, here’s what happened to me. I’ve used the same credit card
and never, ever paid late for at least a decade. But this has happened before, with another card and I had to argue about it with that other credit card company and got so pissed off that I canceled the card–which I’d had for 15 or 20 years, with never a late or minimum payment.

So, anyway, in February I sent a payment in six days before it was due on
the 23rd. Then on the second of March I got a phone call from the credit
card company wanting to know why I hadn’t paid the bill. So I had to stop
what I was doing, find the statement, look for my checkbook, etc. to verify
that I’d sent it in plenty of time. No way could they not have received it.

But they claimed they hadn’t and, in addition to my bill they were tacking
on a $25 late charge.

So on March 6 I went to my bank and found out, yes the check had cleared.
So then today, the 7th, I went to Bank of America, which is where the
credit card is from, to check and make sure that the check that cleared had
actually been received and cashed by that institution and not by some
identity thief. The counter clerk, who was a bit of a snot, with an
Eastern European accent so thick I could barely understand her, told me the
payment had been received on March 2. The 2nd would be the day that they called and hassled me because I supposedly hadn’t paid my bill.  (Sorry, I know it’s not politically correct but I do not take well to having to put up with rude foreigners when I know that plenty of Americans would love to have their job.)

Not to mention–WTF is the CC company doing calling and dunning me when the
damn payment would only have been overdue by a few days? I’ve had the
damn card for more than a decade and never had a late payment or even
made a minimum payment.

So now I wonder if credit card companies hold checks that are received
right before a due date just so they can tack on a bogus late charge. Yes, I
know, I know, no big corporation would do such a thing, right? Right?

I remember someone else telling me the same thing happened to them.

And what I’m also wondering is–do banks and credit card companies do this as an organized scam?  If so, how many millions of dollars in  free money would that work out to each month? I doubt most people would even contemplate their bank or CC company being so venal, greedy and stupid as to perpetrate a fraud such as this.

Has anyone else had this experience?  Or am I just overly suspicious?
(Which is hardly possible in Florida because here there are no depths so deep, no
low so low that someone or some company wouldn’t stoop to it for money.)

Of course, when the same credit card company owed me about $750, they didn’t pay me for months and  months. They’d ask again and again for the same documents, despite admitting that they’d already received what I’d sent.  So that was an interest free loan from me to them for months.  I guess I should have started hassling them seven days after they were supposed to have paid my claim, which had been billed to me on my credit card the very day that it was incurred.

What  would Jesus say?  “Gimme my whip, I never liked these guys in the first place.”

“Lock Her Up” “Have him flogged” “Lock Her Up” “Have Him Flogged”


To the humor impaired:  This is satire.

Q.  What Do Donald Trump and King Henry II of England Have In Common?

A.  They both made remarks that were construed as hinting that they’d sure appreciate it if someone would get rid of a political opponent, and then gave passive aggressive responses to the resultant firestorm of criticism.  (”Whaaat?” “Was it something I said?” “I was just kidding.”)

Maybe King Henry II’s voluntary penance (flogging) for his faux pas of seemingly wishing for political assassination could be extended to Mr. Trump as well.   Think of it.  It’d be a huge media event that would entertain millions.  The Donald would get tons of attention, which he seeks as resolutelyly as Diogenes, the ancient Greek with the lantern who was unendingly searching for an honest man.  Maybe the pros would outweigh the cons for the ever-surprising Mr.
Trump and he’d agree to the gaudy spectacle.

Henry II was famous for his rages when anyone opposed his will.  After his best bud, Thomas a Becket became Archbishop of Canterbury the two had a falling out over the separation of Church and State.  They had a huge fight about it and in 1164 Thomas ultimately had to scoot to exile in France, where he remained for six years.  (King Henry was really pissed off!)  Eventually, in 1170, Henry and Thomas were reconciled and the archbishop returned to England.  But it was an uneasy truce.

Only a few months after Thomas returned to Canterbury, the two were again at
loggerheads.  The precipitating issue was whether Church or State had judicial authority over clerics.  Apparently many monks had been overly frisky, some even murderous.  Thomas believed only the pope had any authority over religious matters and denounced some bishops during his mass on Christmas Day, 1170, which was interpreted as him excommunicating them.   Henry wanted them reinstated, because he maintained that the clerics’ misdeeds were up to the State to punish (or not).   Thomas said no.

Henry was, as usual, enraged when he didn’t get his way.  He was, in France at the time,  and huffed “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?” or something along those lines.  Four of his knights were only too happy to oblige their liege lord.

The knights crossed into England and raced for Canterbury.  On December 29, 1170 they caught Becket at the cathedral saying Vespers.  They carved him up. Literally.  The crown of Becket’s head was cut off.   One of the knights delivered a crushing blow to the prostrate Thomas’s head, spilling his brains out right in front of the altar.  Ick!  Even for a king having an archbishop’s brains squashed out at a cathedral’s altar was way too over the top.

So Henry was forced to agree to do penance, which included being publicly flogged by the monks of Canterbury, in the cathedral.

Even though, fortunately, no one took the Donald up on his provocative solicitation of violence, there are plenty of people who’d still love to see him publicly flogged.  It could be done at St. Edward’s Catholic church in Palm Beach–there’s plenty of parking behind nearby Green’s drugstore. (Finding parking is a real problem in Palm Beach.)

Mr. Trump ‘s handlers could sell the idea to him by focusing on the linkage between him and a king.  Yeah, the Donald in sackcloth and ashes, the Catholic priests whaling on him (the Episcopalians at Palm Beach’s Bethesda by the Sea church might go too easy on protestant Trump) cameras rolling, media flacks gabbling like excited geese–it would be the event of the election season.

Maybe some RNC members could be induced to join the floggers.  Catholic Paul Ryan would go for it, and Reince Priebus might be all in as well.   Maybe it could be a bi-partisan fund-raiser for charity.  MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough and
Mika Brzezinski could be the fair and balanced moderators. (Or maybe Stephen Colbert would be a better fit–he’s Catholic.)  It would be awesome theater.

And it would give Democrats an answer to the Republicans’ chant of “Lock her up”.   Dems can start start chanting “Have him flogged”.

Somebody, please, start a petition to have the Donald do penance the Henry II way.   Pretty sure it would garner the number of signatures required for the White House to address it.  President Obama, always a good sport, would probably be okay with it.

What would Jesus say?  “Flogging doesn’t sound so bad compared to what I had to do to save your damn souls.  Go for it.”

Say Hallelujah.  This is an idea whose time has come.

WTF?


Here are a few things I came across recently while doing searches on the internet. There’s little need for embellishment by me because, as we all know, sometimes ya just can’t make this stuff up.

chicken flavored nail polish by KFC

international cup stacking champion

Caitlyn Jenner posing nude for sports illustrated

FWC officers find alligator foot in dashboard, issue citation

From Yahoo news:  “Oklahoma Officials Reject Obama’s Directive on Bathrooms, Declare State of Emergency”

No kidding.  State of Emergency.  Now I think that the new bathroom rule is foolish and ill-advised.  It puts millions of women and girls potentially at risk–because we all know men and boys can get a little crazy when it comes to looking at women and sexual arousal–for the sake of less than 1% of the population.  You just know some idiots are gonna be taking pictures to show their friends and put on their social media accounts.  But “state of emergency”?  Maybe a sense of proportion–on both sides of the issue–is in order.

from Yahoo 2016 05 10 Entertainment
‘Captain America: Civil War’ post-credits scenes: Everything you need to know
(Seriously? There is nothing I need to know about any post-credit scenes.  Ever.)

“The 17-year-old, Madison Cox, who was crowned Miss South Carolina Teen International 2015, was arrested earlier this week on multiple charges of counterfeiting and forgery,Chief Carl Long from the Duncan Police Department told InsideEdition.com.”

Her offense was that she forged excuse notes for missing class.  Seriously?  A 17 year old was arrested for forging excuse notes for missing class?  Multiple counts of counterfeiting?  Maybe we should have let the South secede.  And people think Joe Arpaio is excessively ardent in sticking it to those who commit misdeeds.

What would Jesus say to that?  “Suffer the children.”

Here’s my favorite.  Some guy on the board of directors of a Florida homeless coalition listed himself as an “Apostle”!  No kidding.  Don’t believe me?  Go to http://www.sunbiz.org choose “search our records” and type in Desoto County Homeless Coalition.  “Apostle”.  No kidding.   Does that count as evangelical fraud?

 

 

It’s How We Do


So I see that Millennials’ parents–the Boomers–are supposedly disappointed in that new-ish generation. Not sure exactly why, but, uhhh, haven’t the Boomers forgotten something?  Their parents weren’t just disappointed in them, they were aghast at their behavior, their appearance, their wild “drugs, sex and rock ‘n’ roll” zeitgeist. And, BTW, what about the post-depression generation between the Greatest Generation and the Boomers–the generation which didn’t get a catchy appellation.  Let’s not forget, they put a man on the moon.  Which feat humans have been dreaming about since they looked up into the sky. That quiet, serious group outshone all the other three (greatest generation, boomers, millennials) combined.  Nobody’s talking about them at all. (Say, what ever happened to the Gen-Xers?  They’re not on anyone’s radar screen anymore.)

But let’s get back to the the history of Boomers v. Millennials.  The Greatest Generation men, the Boomers’ dads, having saved Europe from the Nazis in WWII, came home exhausted and ready to resume life as they had expected it to be.  Maybe go fishin’.  Have a brewski and watch the new phenomenon, TV. Then they had to go fight the Korean War and after that they were really worn out.  They just wanted to find their mates, have kids, maybe go to college or get a job in a factory.  Whatever.  Just live a quiet life. So how are we to account for the off-the-rails-to-their-parents’-way-of-thinking Boomers?

Possibly the Greatest Generation wasn’t as strict as their parents had been. Whatever the reason, they thought things would just automatically go back to the way they were before WWII, but somewhere between 1950 and 1968, while the Greats were relaxing, the Boomers slipped their cultural leashes and headed for terra incognita.

Women, having tasted freedom and power–albeit limited–and taken up the slack when the men went overseas for the wars, having built battleships, and everything else needed to prosecute a massive war effort, having become the de facto heads of households for a few years, began questioning their previous second class citizen roles.  (Don’t forget, most of those ladies were born when women couldn’t even vote!)  Then the Boomer kids grew up and went bats–t crazy, according to the way the Greatest Generation looked at it.

What’s with the long hair?  That awful music?  Their sons, as they loudly lamented, looked like girls.  (That’s despite men having worn their hair long for a very significant part of homo sapiens‘ run as the apex of evolution.)  Their daughters were even worse.  Running around with their nips showing.  Ack! Shacking up with those dirty hippy boys that looked like girls.  Playing unladylike sports.  Competing against men for heaven’s sake!  Appalling.  Incomprehensible!

So, compared to how horrified the Greatest Generation was at the booming Boomers, it sure seems like the Millennials have been far less offensive to their parents’ generation than their parents’ generation was to Millennials’ grandparents’ generation.

It’s the job of each younger generation to drag the stodgy, tired,
worn-out-from-raising-their-kids-and-life-in-general generation, forward.  And it’s the stodgy older generation’s job to keep the frisky younger folks from dragging us all over a cliff with their inexperience and forward-thinking, woo hoo, let’s try something new, approach to life.

So, Millennials, just ignore the criticism.  Tell the whining Boomers to zip it. Proceed on your path. All you’ve done is be disappointing. That seems like a huge step up from being appalling as your parents were to their parents.  You go Millennials.  Enjoy your carefree (relative term) time.  Life will smack you in the gut soon enough.  And you, Boomers–give it a rest with the revisionist history wouldja?  You were a royal pain in the ass to your folks too.  That’s just how the world of homo sapiens works.  It’s not new.  As a species, it’s how we do.

What would Jesus say?  Hey, those snowboards and skateboards look like fun! Lemme try one.

.

Donald Trump Is Right


Donald Trump Is Right

It pains me mildly to say it, but, local Palm Beacher Donald Trump is absolutely correct about Marco Rubio. (Pains me not because I like Marco Rubio, but because my friends will excoriate me for saying anything positive about Mr. Trump. Soooo politically incorrect.)

Rubio did take a ton of money from the Republican Party of Florida (RPOF)–by using a party-issued American Express credit card for thousands of dollars of personal expenses. The most outrageous, IMO, was the $10,000 spent on a short vacation for he and his family. Look it up.  Just type “Rubio’s rpof credit card scandal” into your web browser’s search bar.  Read it and weep.  Or whoop.  Depending.

Rubio’s contemporary, that unfortunate piece of work, Florida Republican Party chairman Jim Greer, pleaded guilty to five felony counts of theft and money laundering for similar offenses. He got a sentence of a year and a half hard time for it, and was incarcerated for 15 months. His life was ruined (a rare exception for political misdeeds in Florida). The book, The Chairman: The Rise and Betrayal of Jim Greer by Peter Golenbock might be suggested reading before the GOP goes any further with Rubio.

Rubio’s excuse, among others, has often been that he confused the party AMEX card and his personal Mastercard.  Ummm, the two look nothing alike. Is he colorblind?  Does he have difficulties with pattern recognition? WTF? Would any reasonable person believe that Rubio didn’t notice that difference when it came time to swipe for a $10,000 family vacation?

Now, ya gotta understand, in South Florida–where politicians literally do not seem to know that it’s against the law to break the law–graft, corruption, greed, venality bribery, theft and blackmail are not considered an impediment to electability.  And I say that as a native South Floridian.  Rubio gets all up on
his high horse, full of umbrage, when Trump simply points out what has been well documented–Rubio spent thousands in party funds on personal expenses. Sure, he says he paid back more than $16K but it was always a bit hazy, at least as reported in the local S. Florida media, whether that was the extent of the personal charges. To this day there hasn’t been a public accounting of the credit card charges and reimbursements, or at least I’ve not been able to find one.

So why is the media giving Rubio a pass on this? It’s not “old news”.  It’s relevant.

Here’s a great campaign slogan. “Vote for me. I paid back the money I
stole/embezzled/laundered from my party. Well, once I got caught that is.” It’s catchy and it scans, no?

Sorry, but Donald Trump is right about Rubio. It’s just the non-local media which either is clueless or is deliberately suppressing the gangrenous reality for their own purposes.  South Florida media know better, but are still saying nothing.  Even worse, I have to admit that knuckledragger Joe Scarborough is right as well.  In North Florida voters are Southerners and not just Southerners, but “Hell no we ain’t fergettin’! ” Southerners. (South Florida is not the South, it is its own parallel universe.) In North Florida they don’t give a rat’s ass about L’il Marco.  And they remember all about his misdeeds, which Mr. Scarborough is politely refraining from mentioning.  So don’t count on them delivering Florida for Rubio.

Shucks, now I’ve disappointed my friends once again–by admitting I watch Joe
Scarborough.  But, I swear people, it’s only when the commercials are on during Animal Planet’s Escape to Chimp Eden, the far more intellectually stimulating TV fare I opt for viewing in the morning.

My own theory regarding why Marco gets a pass and Trump gets vitriolic hatred is that the media, political hacks and the moldy, flea-bitten old establishment just can’t stand the notion of electing someone who owns himself.  How ya gonna manipulate a guy who can’t be bribed or economically intimidated? No fair!

What would Jesus say?  “Fetch me a mint julep, wouldja?  Ah feel faint.”

 

 

 

Go, Go, Johnny, Go–Away That Is; Get Lost Kasich


In the continuing GOP (Grumpy Old People) war on women, John Kasich has de-funded Planned Parenthood. Bold move or contemptible pandering?

Here’s a quote from his official website
http://www.governor.ohio.gov/About/GovernorKasich.aspx
“John R. Kasich was sworn in as Ohio’s 69th governor on January 10, 2011. In his inaugural address he called on Ohioans to come together to make the Buckeye State stronger and more prosperous for all.” (Italics added)

And how better to start the prosperity engine than to do away with free cancer screenings for women? Yeah, man, those women deserve cancer for the crime of felonious poverty, right Johnny boy? Let nature take its course and winnow the herd. If they didn’t want cancer they should’ve made more money, eh?

Besides, women are outliving men, creating an unfortunate majority for them in the electorate. What better way to begin whittling down that numerical advantage than to up the cancer rate for the ladies? Not to mention, one suspects, Johnny is assuming that most of the women he’s just doomed aren’t republicans anyway. Republicans would have sufficient cash to pay for their own cancer (and STD, HPV, etc.) screenings, right?

Yeay! Another record low for the lowest of the low, elected politicians. Yippee, a new record! We’re number one, we’re number one! That’s a good thing, right?

What would Jesus say, o sanctimonious party of misogyny? I think, in this instance, it might be “Cut it out you weasels. I had a Mom!”