Category Archives: what’s in it for conquerors?

Charles Martel “The Hammer” is Spinning in His Grave


What’s that sound I hear?  Why it’s my many greats grandfather, Charles
Martel, “The Hammer” Mayor of the Palace of Austrasia, spinning in his
grave.  Charles was the great warrior who kicked the Saracens’ ass in
October, 732, at the Battle of Tours/Battle of Poitiers, forcing them from
most of what is now called France. (Charles was also the emperor
Charlemagne’s grandfather.) The battle, effectively, was the end of the
Merovingian empire and the beginning of the Carolingians.

Well, to be accurate, after the battle the Saracens didn’t exactly leave all of what is now France, but they were more or less confined to Provence for the nonce.

At this battle the Saracens, under the head of the Umayad caliphate, Emir of
Cordoba, Abd el Rahman, got their asses handed to them by Charles and his
army.  This battle ended the expansion of the Muslim invaders’ territories
northward into Europe. (The Saracens had already established themselves
in what is now Spain and were on track to take all of Europe at the time.)

“The Hammer,” an illegitimate son of Pepin of Heristal and
his mistress, Alpaide, was imprisoned at an early age by Pepin’s wife,
Plectrude. There doesn’t seem to be any information about his military
training but at some point he must have had some. One doesn’t just hop on
a horse and start fighting, after all.  How he became such a charismatic and
successful warrior is a tale I’d like to read but so far haven’t been able to find.

Charles is considered the founder of the Europe of the Middle Ages, as well
as the of the Carolingian dynasty.

Given what it took to get rid of the invaders, what would The Hammer think of
how Europe is surrendering itself to the 21st century un-armed Muslim
invasion of Europe which is currently being carried out at the behest of the EU?
(Hence the grave spinning of my prodigious ancestor.) I’m guessing his
attitude towards the unthinking liberals who are giving away their culture,
land and autonomy to millions of foreign Muslims would be “kill them”.
While that is way, way too violent a solution for our tender-hearted times,
there is a point to be made.

It doesn’t make any sense to bring into your country people who would
subjugate and/or supplant you if they could.

Don’t call me a bigot either. I look at how Muslim women are treated, in
their own countries and homes, with absolute horror.  Lopping off labia and
clitorises, making women in brutally hot regions run around in heavy black
bedspreads, refusing to let them drive or leave their homes without a
supervising male–on and on the list of insufferable treatment of women by
Muslims in the Middle East goes.

Sorry but I’m not gonna be guilt-trip-manipulated by a bunch of weenie
liberals into subordinating my own self interest. I don’t want any part of a
religion or culture which insists I must be a second class citizen, subordinate and
subjugated because of my double X chromosomes. (I already fought that
battle once, when being raised as a Catholic.)

As far as I’m concerned, “The Hammer” had the right idea. The occupying
Muslims of his time were not exactly gentle, kind masters of the people they
conquered.  When someone mistreats you–and what the Saracens did was
more than just “mistreatment”–boot them the hell out and don’t let them
come back.  Ever.

Conquest — What’s in It for the Conqueror?


Since we seem to be heading back into the Middle Ages, I’ve been reading up on the history of those grim centuries.  William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, King of England, invaded Britain in October of 1066 and won the Battle of Hastings, and the country of England.  (The Welsh took a lot longer to be subdued.)  By Easter of 1067, William, having been crowned William I, King of England on Christmas Day 1066 at nearly new Westminster Abbey, returned to the family home at Fecamp, Normandy and had a huge party.  (Earl Harold Godwinsson had also been crowned in that abbey, on January 6, 1066, succeeding Edward the C0nfessor and totally pissing off William, Duke of Normandy who was pretty sure that damn crown was supposed to be his.)

Various historical sources provide details.  This one below, from Orderic Vitalis’ “The Ecclesiastical History of England and Normandy, Vol. 2” (Forester translation) speaks volumes about the luxury to which William was quickly becoming accustomed.  Supposedly he brought everything he’d captured in England with him when he returned for the Easter festivities at the small Northwest French harbor town–even people whose number included many nobles who were not specifically called hostages, but were.

…The feast of Easter was kept at the abbey of the Holy
Trinity at Fecamp, where a great number of bishops, abbots,
and nobles assembled. Earl Radulph, father-in-law of
Phillip king of France- with many of the French nobility,
were also there beholding with curiosity the long-haired
natives of English-Britain, and admiring the garments of
gold tissue, enriched with bullion, worn by the king and his
courtiers. They also were greatly struck with the beauty of
the gold and silver plate, and the horns tipped with gold at
both extremities. …

So that’s what it’s all about?  Snazzy duds, including “garments of gold tissue” and  “horns tipped with gold at both extremities”?  Is that like, the emperor has no clothes?   One has to wonder–was gold tissue to be worn over more substantially woven clothing?  It sounds, well, itchy.

The Hastings invasion sounds pretty much like the Vikings’ original 793 invasion of England at Lindisfarne.  By the time of William II, Duke of Normandy that country was wealthy, fat and soft, ripe for another round of plundering.  William II, Duke of Normandy was only five generations removed from his gr gr gr grandfather, Rollo the Viking.  (The succession was; from Rollo’s son, William le “Longue Epee” styled Duke of Normandy,  to his son Richard I, Duke of Normandy, “Sans Peur” (“the Fearless”) to his son, Richard II, Duke of Normandy (“the Good”) to his son Richard III Duke of Normandy who was succeeded by his brother Robert I, Duke of Normandy (either “the Devil” or “the Magnificent” depending on who’s doing the talking,) who was the father of William (“the Bastard” or “the Conqueror” depending on who’s doing the talking).  William’s conquest was just another Viking invasion.  You might say it was sort of an “apple not falling far from the tree” kind of thing.  It was often speculated that Robert (“the Devil”so called because of suspected fratricide, or “the Magnificent” because, well, I don’t know why) had his brother bumped off so he could have the Duke of Normandy title, but this was never proven.  William,the Conqueror, gr gr gr grandson of Rollo the Viking, conquered England just 273 years after the Vikings first came a-raiding at Lindisfarne.

It’s common knowledge that when William I of England died, his servants stole everything they could carry and left him, basically, lying in his underwear.   Then his corpse wasn’t attended to in a timely manner and it swelled up, then burst during the attempt to inter William.

What isn’t such common knowledge (I think) is that at William’s funeral, before he popped, someone spoke up with a claim to the patch of ground he was to be buried in.  Turns out William had ripped off the land from this guy’s father years before.  So the knights and family retainers had to take up a collection to pay off the gravesite claimant in order for the ill-fated funeral to proceed.  (Can’t ya just see them looking at each other, rolling their eyes and waiting for someone else to cough up some cash.)

Apparently, after the Conqueror’s corpse popped open there was an unbearable stench and the services were hastily concluded.  That would be by the clerics whose livelihoods had been provided for generously by William for decades but who wouldn’t even endure his stinking corpse long enough to provide a moment or two of dignity for the much abused dead king.

Yeah, generally there are plenty of assets in it for conquerors.  But in the long run, the second he (or she) is vulnerable, supporters and sycophants will take all their stuff and leave them lyin’ dead on the floor in their underwear.  They can’t even count on a decent burial.

Humans are such a mystery!  They seem smart but keep making the same mistakes over and over again.