Tag Archives: conspiracy theorist

Prediction–Snooty’s Death Will Soon Be a Conspiracy Theory


Here in Florida we are mourning the untimely death of Snooty, an unfortunate manatee who was born and kept in captivity for 69 years.  Sixty Nine Years!  Manatees in the wild swim thousands of miles in their lifetimes. They zip in and out of the ocean and lurk in warmer canals during winter months. They eat.  A lot!  But they don’t stay in one tiny spot of their own free will.   Snooty, alas, was a prisoner.

Everybody loved Snooty.  Just last week the museum in Bradenton where Snooty lived had a huge 69th birthday party for him.  Nobody ever asked how Snooty liked being confined to a small tank for all those long decades, instead of swimming free visiting springs and rivers and beaches and just roaming around eating seagrass.

Everybody just assumed that, since everybody loved Snooty, that somehow meant Snooty loved his life in confinement.  I doubt it.

Snooty drowned a day or two after the aforementioned 69th birthday party last week.  A grate over a tunnel leading to plumbing equipment somehow came loose. Snooty, probably trying to escape, got stuck in the tunnel and drowned.

It should be only a day or two before people start asking how a bolted grate came to be open.  Because this is South Florida, it shouldn’t be long after that until someone proposes that Snooty was the victim of a nefarious plot. That he was, in fact, murdered. Possibly he was lured into that tunnel with some ripe lettuce. The spectre of domestic terrorism will no doubt be run up the flagpole by a shameless media.

What people really should be talking about is the morality of keeping such a large, seafaring animal in a little concrete tank for decades.   So far all the news is about Snooty’s longevity in his aquatic prison.

That’s what shouldn’t happen again.

We still are all sad about Snooty.  One way or the other.

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Trump, Hillary, Time Warps and the Apocalypse


Since I’ve set my security settings all over the place to pretty much block
the world, I can’t answer comments about my blog posts. So I’ll respond to
one here.

Re: the blog about Shakespeare stealing a march on Nostradamus and the
Donald; that post should not be interpreted as supportive of Hillary. WRT
Hillary and the Donald, to continue with my shallow Shakespeare-themed
analysis–a pox on both their houses.

Aside from being an inveterate whiner (she’s always got an excuse) Hillary
seems to me to be demonstrably dishonest.  As far back as Whitewater her
public conduct was dishonest.  Remember how, during the Whitewater
investigation, her billing records from the Rose law firm were being sought?
I think there may even have been a subpoena issued for the records. But no,
she just couldn’t find them. Que lastima!

Until, that is, they were later found in plain sight in her Book Room in the White
House. Yeah, they magically reappeared. So amazing.  Obviously they
entered a time warp/vortex and were spun out again into the Book Room
after the danger to her was past.

She also has an indefensible record of taking credit for others’ work and/or
achievements. To my thinking the most heinous of these incidents was the
way she and her tawdry supporters took credit for passing what is now
known as the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP, originally
SCHIP).  She had no official position with the government at the time.  It
was Orrin Hatch and Ted Kennedy who sponsored the bill and their staff members who wrote it.

But take a look at the Wikipedia entry for CHIP or any other article about
the origination of the program and you’ll find Hillary Clinton’s name.
Most, if not all, specifically mention Hillary Clinton supporting the bill,
some claim she got it passed.  Yeah, along with a gazillion other
supporters–none of whom claimed credit for the creation of the program. It’s
despicable!

And she ran a pathetically inadequate campaign for president in 2016. Her
grand vision was “it’s my turn” and “I don’t have a penis” (or more politely
put, a “Y” chromosome).

Trump has all these characteristics in spades, so there was no advantage to
either Hillary or the Donald there.  Well, except that he does have a penis–but given his massive insecurity about his masculinity (and tiny hands) ya gotta wonder just how big the presidential member actually is.

I remember when Trump refused to pay an elderly man who sold him chandeliers for Mar-a-Lago.  Other stories of his chiseling on debts abound. He calls it deal making, normal people call it many other things, none of which are laudatory.

But he supposedly had two things going for him in the election. He was
allegedly high energy, and a good businessman.

But if one looks at his lack of productivity, and what he actually does, both these
putative attributes remain unproven as far as I can tell.  He seems to spend a
huge part of what should be his White House workday watching TV and tweeting.  His travel all seems to be related to golfing, which promotes his own properties and enriches him.  This doesn’t seem much different in spirit, if not strict definitions, from some slacker teenager who spends all his/her time playing video games on the internet while sponging off mom and dad and living
in their basement.

Trump hasn’t accomplished a thing, unless you count getting a funding bill
passed, which would keep the federal government running until the end of
the fiscal year.  And even that was done by congress–and only to keep its own
salaries funded and their constituents off their sorry asses.

But now we are finding out that Trump seems more like a wholly owned
subsidiary of Vladimir Putin. That’s not funny or even dismissable as “oh
that’s just Trump”.  We used to joke about the right wing’s silly conspiracy
theories about the “commies” or “Ruskies”.   Now, with thugs like Russian
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak
yukking it up and laughing at Trump’s buffoonery right in the Oval Office,
it doesn’t seem so funny, or implausible.

And Trump’s man-crush on Vladimir Putin is widely reported and his own
words typically praise the murderous former KGB head and vicious dictator.

Meanwhile, Trump thinks North Korean leader Kim Jung Un is a great guy,
a “smart cookie” and praises him while that fat asshole is busy trying to put together a nuclear bomb and an intercontinental missile capable of dropping it on our country.   That’s not so funny either.  Especially given Trump’s fragmented thinking and total lack of impulse control.  But, for the moment, Trump’s too busy tweeting and watching TV to attend to such trivialities.

Can you just see him getting pissed off that Kim’s getting more attention
than he is and then dropping a nuclear bomb on North Korea in a mega
version of “mine’s bigger than yours”?

Even worse, Trump appears to have dementia. His fragmented thinking,
inability to remember what he said only minutes, hours or days earlier, his
wild mood swings, his garbled linguistic output…all seem part of an array of
symptoms and behaviors indicative of dementia.  But no one dares to say so,
certainly not the tame pussies in the media.

Events subsequent to the election, including the outrageous firing of James
Comey to stymie a criminal investigation into Trump’s possible collusion
with the Russians, seems to bode ill for our country.  It won’t be Trump or
his family who’ll suffer, it’ll be our military, our citizens and our country.

Given Trump’s demonstrable history of trying to distract people, especially
the media, from his misdeeds, he doesn’t auger well for the benefit of “we the rabble”.  To what lengths might he go to distract everyone if that investigation closes in on him?  Well, does anyone think he’d balk at pushing the nuclear button to distract from his own misdeeds?

Where is that “button” he might push anyway?  One can only hope that Gen. Mattis has it stashed somewhere in his mobile library of thousands of books. (General, please don’t leave a trail of bread crumbs–we don’t want the Donald to find that button.)

No matter what happens, that slacker Trump will skate.  I think he’s passed
the stage of being a laughable buffoon.  Now he’s dangerous to every one of us.

My current choice for 2020? Angus King.

Has Your Bank or Credit Card Company Done This to You?


Now I would never suggest that banks or credit card companies would ever
do anything unethical or illegal just for a few bucks. We all know they are
way above deserving of opprobrium, right? Ahem, I said–Right?  RIGHT?
I can’t hear you.

Well, anyway, here’s what happened to me. I’ve used the same credit card
and never, ever paid late for at least a decade. But this has happened before, with another card and I had to argue about it with that other credit card company and got so pissed off that I canceled the card–which I’d had for 15 or 20 years, with never a late or minimum payment.

So, anyway, in February I sent a payment in six days before it was due on
the 23rd. Then on the second of March I got a phone call from the credit
card company wanting to know why I hadn’t paid the bill. So I had to stop
what I was doing, find the statement, look for my checkbook, etc. to verify
that I’d sent it in plenty of time. No way could they not have received it.

But they claimed they hadn’t and, in addition to my bill they were tacking
on a $25 late charge.

So on March 6 I went to my bank and found out, yes the check had cleared.
So then today, the 7th, I went to Bank of America, which is where the
credit card is from, to check and make sure that the check that cleared had
actually been received and cashed by that institution and not by some
identity thief. The counter clerk, who was a bit of a snot, with an
Eastern European accent so thick I could barely understand her, told me the
payment had been received on March 2. The 2nd would be the day that they called and hassled me because I supposedly hadn’t paid my bill.  (Sorry, I know it’s not politically correct but I do not take well to having to put up with rude foreigners when I know that plenty of Americans would love to have their job.)

Not to mention–WTF is the CC company doing calling and dunning me when the
damn payment would only have been overdue by a few days? I’ve had the
damn card for more than a decade and never had a late payment or even
made a minimum payment.

So now I wonder if credit card companies hold checks that are received
right before a due date just so they can tack on a bogus late charge. Yes, I
know, I know, no big corporation would do such a thing, right? Right?

I remember someone else telling me the same thing happened to them.

And what I’m also wondering is–do banks and credit card companies do this as an organized scam?  If so, how many millions of dollars in  free money would that work out to each month? I doubt most people would even contemplate their bank or CC company being so venal, greedy and stupid as to perpetrate a fraud such as this.

Has anyone else had this experience?  Or am I just overly suspicious?
(Which is hardly possible in Florida because here there are no depths so deep, no
low so low that someone or some company wouldn’t stoop to it for money.)

Of course, when the same credit card company owed me about $750, they didn’t pay me for months and  months. They’d ask again and again for the same documents, despite admitting that they’d already received what I’d sent.  So that was an interest free loan from me to them for months.  I guess I should have started hassling them seven days after they were supposed to have paid my claim, which had been billed to me on my credit card the very day that it was incurred.

What  would Jesus say?  “Gimme my whip, I never liked these guys in the first place.”

May I Rant?


Golly, I can hardly wait.  The countdown to the countdown of the big day has passed and now we’re into the countdown itself.  No, not to greedfest 2011 or as retail marketing people call it, Christmas.  The really big day is December 27, when Donald Trump will moderate the hugely (what else would one expect) important republican presidential debate.   To quote a famous fake American, Gunther Tooty, “ooh, ooh, ooh”!  We can all kick back and bathe in the tsunami of bombast sure to flow from that gaudy spectacle.  I guess the topic will be “Who’s the most awesome human ever to walk the face of the earth?”.   Stay tuned as the Donald and Newt vie for the title.  Yeah, Mr. Trump’s supposed to be the moderator but does anyone think for a moment he could resist such an opportunity to showcase his ego?   No way is he gonna let Newt’s big head upstage his.

Aside from the opportunity for Trump and Newt to display their incandescent self regard, this will be another chance for the republican party to degrade itself even further than it already has.  It seems as if that’s the whole point for them these days.   How low can the GOP go?  Here’s a suggestion.  Mud wrestling.  The republican candidates could have a mud wrestling match.  Trump’s beauty pageant bunnies could parade around holding numbers for each round as the WWE ladies do.  Put ‘em in bikinis and have a wardrobe malfunction or two so the audience could get a tantalizing glimpse of their nips, just to up the excitement level of an already salivating public and media.  Why not go the full monty and put the candidates in skimpy outfits as well?  Newt in a thong.  Rick Perry in a too-small singlet.  Ooh, ooh, that would be a real extravaganza, no?

Wait.  What’s that sound I hear?  Why it’s Gerald Ford and Bob Dole rolling over in their graves.  Yeah, I know, technically Bob Dole’s not dead yet but, close enough.  And he’s no doubt in the last throes of mortification over what has become of his former party .

My thought is, it’s a conspiracy.  The republican party has some evil Strangelovian character behind the scenes pulling the strings.  (The Koch brothers?  Vladimir Putin?  Bill Gates?  Who knows?)  Whoever it is his plan is obviously to bring down the United States.  Over the years the mystery megalomaniac has managed to install a bunch of witless ninnies and political whores in positions of power who are too stupid and/or corrupt to know or care that they are killing the host organism, our democracy.

Who do ya s’pose the unindicted co-conspirators might be?  Obviously the corrupt Supreme Court has a hand in it.  They’re the ones who made it the law of the land that corporations are people, thus allowing the putative person/companies to purchase elections no matter how high the price.  I don’t think that’s what JFK meant when he said we would “bear any burden, pay any price” for freedom.  Let’s see now, who was it that appointed Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Kennedy and Anthony, AKA “Fat Tony” Scalia?  Why they were all appointed by republican presidents, obviously the tools this unknown master plotter used to “fix” it so that, for decades to come we will be held in thrall to the corrupting influence of money in politics.

And famed black prince and evildoer front man, Frank Luntz, is the unknown puppetmaster’s mouthpiece who feeds his political goons sound bites they pass off as ideas but which are nothing more than treason with a high-fructose corn syrup coating.  Yeah, Frank, we know ya sleep in a coffin filled with your native soil.  You obviously haven’t seen the light of day since another bloodsucker put his fangs n your throat.  Begone, dark one, before I mail ya some garlic.

I’m serious, the republican party is obviously trying to bring down the United States in order to accomplish their stated main goal–bringing down president Obama.  There’s “vision” for ya.

Why do I think it’s only the republicans who are doing it?  Well jeez, the dems are such weenies they wouldn’t have the organizational skills–or guts–to overthrow anything.  At the first sign of trouble they’d pee their pants and run hide under their beds.

Think I’m exaggerating about how little our government thinks of us?  Has anyone heard about how Dover AFB was disposing of our soldiers killed in combat?  The remains of our fallen heroes were thrown into the landfill with the trash.  The few, the proud, the disposable.  Jeez, why not just flush the ashes down the commode?  That’d save the lazy bastards who are supposed to be taking care of the remains of our fallen soldiers from even having to get off their sorry butts and walk to the dumpster.

And as if things aren’t grim enough, what’s Bill Gates getting for Christmas?  A nuclear reactor.  He’s building it in partnership with–you guessed it–China.  Yeah, what could go wrong there?  So much for tidings of comfort and joy.  The best to be hoped for is that, in a rare moment of honesty congress does away with its Sergeant at Arms and installs a carnival barker instead.  “Come one, come all!  See the amazing gutless wonders.  They walk, they talk, they crawl on their bellies!”

Yep, we’re lucky to have our freedoms.  Seriously.  Because if they could figure out how to securitize it, Wall Street bankers would be selling it as unregistered, unregulated derivatives after paying off congress with a chicken dinner to pass the necessary legislation permitting it.

And Stephen Colbert, or maybe it was Jon Stewart, after showing a video clip of some female singer bending over for Justin Bieber pointed out that, whatever one thinks is the reason for the season, it’s pretty certain that it’s not represented by this woman in a half-Santa suit, presenting her butt to (teenager) Justin Bieber like a sex crazed bonobo.  Words of wisdom indeed.

Aw, Shucks


Aw shucks.  It’s so disappointing.  Herman Cain, victim, has dropped out of the race for the GOP presidential nomination, done in by the vast left wing conspiracy.  At least they didn’t send the black helicopters for him. Those meanies in the media, by reporting on Mr. Cain, have robbed us all of another golden opportunity.  And he’s so qualified too–so well versed in foreign affairs.  Shucks, he knows the names of countries I’ve never even heard of, and I actually follow foreign affairs.  Like many others, I knew not of Uz Beki Beki Beki Beki Stan Stan until Mr. Cain enlighted us rabble.  And his analysis of the Libya situation?  A tour de force.

He seemed so respectful of women too.  Even gave Nancy Pelosi the honorific of “Princess,” when most republicans are utterly dismissive of her.  And when he said that he wouldn’t do anything with her, then leered and repeated that he meant anything, it was obvious he meant that he’d never even consider having sex with her.  I’m assuming that meant because he’s so observant of and committed to his marital vows.  And those poor deluded women who imagined he’d made passes at them got equally respectful treatment from him and his minions.

Yep, we lost a good ‘un there.  But, at least we still have Rick Perry.  He’s as well versed in domestic affairs as Mr. Cain is of foreign events.  Aren’t we all glad he’s let us know how misinformed we are, thinking that the voting age is 18.  Silly us.  If he gets the GOP nod, I’ll sure be there on November 12, ready to pull the lever for him.

And, say hallelujah, Newt’s slithered back into our lives, so there’s still something to be grateful for despite the sad loss of the entertaining Mr. Cain as a candidate.  My spirits just soared, though, a few days ago when I saw the clips of Newt, with Mr. Cain beaming in the background and Pillsbury Doughboy Frank Luntz either hanging on Newt’s every hiss, uh, I mean word–or possibly telling him what to say as he does for the rest of the GOP public figures who are apparently incapable of formulating simple declarative sentences of their own.  That happy occasion was the other day when Newt was dissing the Occupy Wall Street crowd, pulling out an old chestnut from the seventies when he said they should get a job after they go home and take a bath.  Yeah, you dirty hippies, forget about social justice, unemployment, corporate abuses and rampant public corruption.  It’s none of your business anyway, leave it to the pros like Mr. Gingrich.

And speaking of demonizing, somehow, whenever I see the oh-so-presciently named Newt, I imagine that some evil spirit–Valdemort perhaps?–deciding to incarnate as a human politician.  Can’t ya just see it cackling, well, demonically, “And I shall call myself  NEWT!  And I shall sssslittther! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!”

It’s great to see–and hear–ol’ Newt spitting out hateful stereotypes again and dissing those rascally poor people who never get paid unless it’s for something illegal, and who don’t know what it means to work.  It’s music to republican ears.  Those slacker poor folks should take a page from Newt’s scam book and start selling bogus awards at $5,000 bucks a pop as he does.  That’s legal.  Yeah those poor kids he wants to have clean toilets don’t have the habit of hard work that Newt does.  It’s obvious from Newt’s trim appearance that he knows what it means to put in a hard day’s labor.  But it’s disconcerting to hear that great philosopher and deep thinker Joe Scarborough say that, if you’re in a room and Newt’s the smartest guy in the room, you’re in the wrong room.  What could he possibly mean by that?  Newt says he’s the smartest guy in the room so often, I’m sure Mr. Scarborough’s just jealous that he can’t attain Newt’s level of shameless self promotion.

Say, didn’t Newt quit in disgrace as Speaker of the House?  Maybe he and Sarah Palin would make a good team.  Two quitters with huge egos and no sense of propriety–it’s a republican ticket made in Comedy Central heaven.

Gosh, the republican race to the bottom has me on the edge of my seat.  Which one of the losers, uh, candidates, will finally become the standard bearer?  I was hoping for a Cain/Perry ticket in the general election–mainly because Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart would have had endless opportunities to make me laugh.  The entertainment value of such a pairing would have been the gift that keeps on giving.  But, sigh, I guess it’s just not in the cards.  Oh, well.  Maybe Newt will pick Donald Trump as a running mate and we’ll still have a chance to get a good laugh out of the election.

That’d be a good thing since it’s certain that, no matter who runs or which party wins, we’re not gonna get a good leader in any case.

on becoming a conspiracy theorist


With all the economic turmoil, people say maybe it’s time to think about a new career.  Something with growth potential, with a market that’s not already saturated.  The typical advice is to get into a field you’d really love, or at least can be good at.   After giving it a lot of thought, I’m thinking maybe becoming a conspiracy theorist might be a wise choice.  Society can never have too many and the potential for growth is only limited by the vividness of one’s imagination and the personal grumpiness factor.  Score on both points!

Grumpiness is at the root of many, if not most, conspiracy theorists’ rumblings and rantings.  In our culture it’s frowned upon to be bad-tempered, but, if there’s a reason, well, that’s different.  Lots of conspiracy buffs are just malcontents who don’t really have that much to be constantly aggrieved about, so they need to manufacture reasons to be annoyed, crabby, prickly, everlastingly irritable, and most importantly, to rant.  Don’t get me wrong.  We all have plenty to be outraged about right now.   But to be a good conspiracy theorist, you have to really enjoy being upset.  Ya gotta be able to cling to any imagined slight with a death grip.  It doesn’t hurt to be good at pouting and sulking either–it gets ya in the mood.

Being outraged fires up the juices.  It has a positively reinforcing effect, and gets that dopamine and those endorphins seeping into every little nook and cranny of the brain.  Face it–sometimes being mad feels really good.  People get addicted to it.  (Hence the ever expanding “hey you kids, get off my lawn” population.)

And what better to be mad about than shadowy “they” people who don’t look like “us” and don’t conform exactly to our cookie-cutter notion of what “they” should be.  (Which is–exactly like “us”.)  Or, on a higher plane, those black helicopters coming to put fluoride in our water–or maybe our veins!–and the aliens just salivating to put probes up our butts also make a wonderful platform from which to launch tirade after tirade.  And it makes attention seeking acceptable.

How deliciously put upon does one feel when contemplating how much some shadowy “they” are taking, or have already taken, from us?  Whether “they” are taking away “our” way of life (or, in the case of aliens, our planet) “our” country, or generally causing the world as we know it to go to hell in a handbasket–it’s all good for a conspiracy theorist.  Bring on the angst.  Oooh–it feels good.

And I have all the tools to be good at it.  I’m pretty fair at holding a grudge, am naturally cranky (even with a nap,) I snarl if someone wakes me up, would like to snap if anyone makes an unsought comment or observation contrary to anything I might happen to think (social constraints prevent me, but I could do it  if conditions made it appropriate) and God help you if you sample food off my plate.

And, to make up a conspiracy, all that’s really necessary is to conflate two dissimilar things.  Just link two completely unrelated things together, propose some causal relationship between them, and voilà–there’s a conspiracy.  Shucks,  just take a newspaper, close your eyes and point  at two different spots and there’s your conspiracy for the day.  I could do that.  With my mind closed.

And being a conspiracy theorist wouldn’t actually require much effort.  Since no one’s investigating conspiracy theories, who’s to say one is wrong?  Ah yes–“them”!  “Those people”.  Isn’t that just like “them” to try and undercut a proud flag-waving American conspiracy theorist with some commie/socialist fact-based agenda.  You know the types.  Always carping about accuracy, demanding “proof”.    People who believe in evolution and think the universe is billions of years old.   As a onspiracy theorist there’d be no actual measures of results required, no pesky job performance rating protocols, no tedious statistical analyses to be done.  The slacker in me likes that.

Yep, conspiracy theorist it is.  The print shop will get the order for new business cards tomorrow!  “They” will have to pry my conspiracy theories from my cold, dead brain!